Local

Coffs Creek Redirection Plan

Implementing the forthcoming ‘Coffs Creek Sand and Water Space’

PRESS RELEASE [WHEN READY PRESS STOP]

WARNING: SATIRE

Continuing with our Re-Provision Strategies that are rapidly ensuring Coffs Harbour City Council (CHCC) is becoming Australia’s most conspicuous local government body, CHCC is delighted to re-provide for the Coffs Harbour community a new plan of unequalled vision.

By the CC-CHCC-BS*

“We have raised local government Re-Provisioning to an art form,” General Manager Steve McGrath said today, referring to Council’s pinnacle Cultural and Civic Space program – the original re-provisioning project that has startled the Australian Local Government community and is the most cited topic among its citizens. “Eager eyes are upon us to see what we will be doing next.”

What? Really? No! It’s satire!

“ReProvisioning is about identifying amenities within our city that we can knock down and then give back,” the General Manager explained. “Council then produces a new name for it and adds some bells and whistles.

“The new name progresses our society, placing us at the forefront of any sophisticated community. The bells and whistles make all the difference. If you don’t put in the bells and whistles, you’ve wasted public money.”

“Bells and whistles can take several forms” the General Manager explains. “Mostly these are things like LCD flat screens and touch screens for the public to view and experience life, flashing lights that go along the ceiling, carpet on the walls. Things like that. In the Cultural and Civic Space plan we have included a photograph of the spectacular views from City Hill. A citizen can rotate a joystick to look around. It is a major whistle in our Re-Provisioning plan. That citizen-activated visual experience justifies the spend.” He added auspiciously, “It has to.”

This will be unique to Coffs Harbour

As a stand-alone feat that no other local council has achieved, Coffs Harbour City Council has also identified the community need to congregate in, and enjoy, government spaces. 

“This is unique to Coffs Harbour,” Mayor Denise Knight said. “To do it to this extent. People love being around government offices. A government building holds a special attraction within the community’s heart and people just adore being within a government confine.

“Everyone I have spoken to supports our Cultural and Civic Space plan for this very reason. People are aching to hang out in a government building. Everyone is very enthusiastic.”

“Now we have taken it to the next level,” Mayor Knight said. “The Coffs Creek Sand and Water Space means that a citizen can canoe along our main waterway and relish in the sight of the new offices of the Council Parking Inspectors” (pictured above). “I expect this will bring in visitors like a magnet. But we didn’t stop there. Locals will soon be able to pay their rates in five different locations along the creek, further enhancing their recreation experience.”

These five locations are dotted along the redirected creek and consist of all-weather cubicles that are especially dedicated to rate paying. “It’s a lovely reminder,” Mayor Knight said. “The community has been asking for it for years. As we are doing with our advanced understanding of human culture, so we are now elevating human recreation by also including government operations.” (See map below)

“We didn’t have much to work with, originally,” she laughs. “Nearly all of our government operations have been re-provided to where people are to be enjoying their culture. But we did find some Council can duplicate. I think we’ve found the best government activities that people will absolutely, absolutely love.”

Heading off serious community concerns before they arise, Mayor Knight moves swiftly to reassure. “Don’t worry!!  Don’t worry!!” she says. “You can still pay for your kerb and guttering at the Cultural Space. That is always going to be an essential part of my vision. I will never take that away from you.”

The Parking Inspector Building is located at the initial bend in the redirected creek, allowing easy access for Council workers as they drive in from Edgar Street, adding another element of community interest.

Satire – not to be taken “sweriously” folks!

“Not only that,” Mayor Knight continues, “the Parking Inspector Building houses other Council activities such as the dog pound. Here too you can pay your fines for water waste and dumping breaches,” rounding out her vision for the new Space. “We are giving people a lot more to enrich their paddling experience on the creek. The complete list is clearly displayed on the outside so a recreational citizen won’t miss a thing. We have to remember that families will be gathering there, so the dog pound can provide a pleasing aural experience especially for them.”

When asked if the community may be surprised by this plan being unveiled at its completion, Mayor Knight was at pains to convey that Council has learned from past experience, and is now adopting new Best Practice, so it will not be doing any community consultation. “There is no need.” she said.

Cr Townley is quick to agree. “Community consultation is lengthy and unnecessary red tape that costs the taxpayer a considerable amount of money.”

“My support for the Creek Redirection Plan is unwavering,” she added. “So that when I am Mayor I can rename the Council Parking Inspector building to the Sally Townley Building. I have already sketched a design for a bronze casting of myself to put on top of it. This building is viewed also from the rear by people travelling across the bridge. It is highly visible and extensively signposted.”

Again swift to allay community concerns, Mayor Denise Knight explains she is very aware of Cr Townley’s aspirations. “We have a succession plan,” Mayor Knight said. “I accept ideas from everyone. We are adults about this and have dealt with it appropriately. ”

Satrical – this is not real people. 😉

One other councillor about whom the community has strongly expressed considerations regarding succession, Deputy Mayor Cecato, is also supportive of Cr Townley’s assuming the role. “I will be Prime Minister of Coffs Harbour,” he said proudly. “Every councillor agrees. They told me so personally. They know I am born to this position. No problems.”

Four councillors are less forthcoming in their support for the creek redirection, but would not be drawn further. “We take an overly cautious approach,” they stated collectively, adding via Skype, “We believe in the democratic process. After the creek is redirected people will have their opinion, sure enough. We don’t like to interfere too much.”

Financing for the creek redirection project has already been decided. “If I may say so myself,” General Manager Steve McGrath said himself, “if there’s one thing that matches Council’s vision, it’s Council’s financial acuity. Council implemented a strike force unit to obtain finance, called the Fiscal Brains Trust, headed by Deputy Mayor George Cecato.”

“There’s only me in it,” Cr Cecato said. “I rejected all other names they putted into the barrel. Straight away. Not necessary. I know everything when to put my feet down. I am all over the community, no worries.”

The cost of the Coffs Creek Redirection Plan is estimated to be $76.5 million. “It’s less than that on paper,” said the General Manager. “The completed Sand and Water Space comes in at sixty million, give or take. I rounded it up. The bigger number sounds better. It’s what the community is used to and what it expects. Plus, the more a Re-Provisioning project costs the better it sounds.”

In securing the finance, Cr Cecato readily admits he takes advice from a “very close colleague.” Cr Adendorff made “significant personal sacrifices” in a busy private schedule to direct information towards the CHCC Fiscal Brains Trust, declaring he spent 132.2 minutes of his time, received seventeen emails, sent four emails, forwarded one email, executed three outgoing phone calls and made five dot points of notes. Cr Adendorff continues, “We are selling Brelsford Park. That is a simple issue to do.”

Yet the Sand and Water Space will require significantly more funds than from one sale. “My spiritual guru and the one person I look up to is Harold Triguboff,” Cr Adendorff said. “For the sake of the Coffs Harbour community, I called his secretary and when I explained what I wanted to do, Harry himself took the call. I asked Harry if he could develop a sports ground. He barely hesitated and answered, ‘Yes, yes. I can develop a sports ground.’ It is therefore my pleasure to say that we are selling the eastern football ground of the Sport and Leisure Park, relocating soccer to the North Boambee Valley to solve the problem with flooding, and Harry Triguboff is providing for the shortfall by each sporting field that we need to sell thereafter.”

This is provident news for citizens. “Sport is about doing things the old way,” Cr Adendorff said. “This is the modern way. Kids who want to play sport these days can do it online. Anything you want, it’s all there. Parents, too. All online. You can play any sport you want while you sit in the one place.

“Why play sport anyway? It’s a stupid thing to do. What do you get out of it? Then look at the wastage. Land sits idle during weekdays. Every night the land is empty. This is land that can be used for benefit. It’s everywhere. Sporting fields are Coffs Harbour’s untapped resource.”

As a senior role model in local society, and having made considerable sacrifices to serve the public, Cr Adendorff was asked if he could provide some advice. “I urge the youth in the community to follow in Harry Triguboff’s footsteps. The world will be a better place.”

Cr Cecato is excited for this fiscal achievement by Council, adding what he calls: “Continuing development of the City success. You see it on the news all the time. The cruise ships are at the front of social industries now. Everybody loves the cruise ships. So we are turning the old jetty into the cruise ship destination. The planet is a big, big area. I can tell you, with all honesty, that Australia is a big area. So a cruise ship on the other side of the planet can point to Australia and the captains can aim for the middle of the big country. Then, when they get to the harbour here, the captains can turn around the ships. I can do it myself. I never done it but it is easy. I can turn a big cruise ship around, put it into the reverse, and drive it in backwards.”

Thereby the city of Coffs Harbour has a reliable stream of income, much needed because the city no longer has an airport. “This is my idea which I come up with myself. Also too when the ships want to leave the harbour, they can go straight out by the forwards, and turn to the left to go up the planet, or they can turn to the right and go down the planet. It covers everything that a ship’s captain wants to do. It is the biggest tourist income for Coffs Harbour I ever seen.” He adds finally, “I am stupendous about it.”

Mayor Denise Knight also believes she cannot contain her emotion. “Council under my leadership has delivered to you the Cultural and Civic Space plan. This has been unfolding smoothly and already in my mind I am hearing the sound of vehicles turning from the bypass. The goal now is to try to get these people to leave the lovely government space in town and coax them nearer to the seaside. Then they can discover the pleasures of creek recreation. What we are doing will make Coffs Harbour an extraordinary destination along the entire east coast. It is unique.

“We are shipping in tonnes of wonderful sand from the Philippines to put beside the new section of creek. Soon citizens will be putting their toes in the water. Children will soon be putting on floaties to play in the sand. They can do this and more while surrounded by government activities and structures.

“We know this is revolutionary yet we remain humble servants to the power of my vision. I have always said ‘Build it and they will come’. I am proving myself to be true.

“There is a lot more to this than meets the eye. We will be getting on the map!”

The sand will squeak! OK, OK this is satirical too. Actually it is all satirical.

“The new sand will squeak,” General Manager Steve McGrath added. “This makes all the difference. It squeaks when a citizen walks on it. We are honouring our Re-Provisioning Strategy by adding bells and whistles. Or squeaks, you could say. Our consultants are testing it extensively.”

Before having to rush to a lunch appointment, Mayor Denise Knight was asked to sum up with a quick Q & A of the Re-Provisioning Plan:

Advice for users of the Coffs Creek Sand and Water Space?

“Never get out of your depth.”

Advice to existing residents?

“Do nothing. I urge you. In fact I beg you.”

An example of the Coffs Creek Rate Pay cubicles. Seriously! 😉

The Coffs Harbour City Council is the only council that produces these Re-Provisioning Plans. They are unimagined elsewhere, and could attract vast numbers of new citizens. What can the newly-arrived resident expect from the venerable position of the city’s mayor? 

“Oh gosh! They’ll find out after they’ve settled in!

“I’ll give them the same as I have always given…to every single citizen. I have given it without fail, right from the very start. Hugs!”

________

Just in case you didn’t get it – the above piece is satire.

*Author known to CCO but has requested anonymity.

2 Comments

  1. What vision. What artistic depth. The sheer scope of our council leaders wisdom is beyond ordinary, almost supernatural. Their ability to read the minds of the rate payers of this city, to be able to circumnavigate lengthy consultations and costly surveys or unpleasant, opinionated, disagreeable locals. To have such an understanding of our innermost needs and desires is simply breathtaking.
    This masterplan ensures the financial future of our city. I am in awe! My faith in local government restored,.
    Small wonder we are, every last one 0f us so thrilled, so admiring, so accepting.
    Book me a berth, I’m off to buy a boat and learn to swim!

  2. Duke de Richleau

    A masterful and utterly true depiction of our so wonderfully (past its use by date) Coffs Harbour City Council. May the Lord bless and look after all the souls who ever dares to sails in it.

    Be aware that being up the redirected Coffs Sh#t Creek without a paddle can be mightily dangerous. You never know who or what you might bump into. It might be that large heavy steel box full of money, that everyone’s looking for, put aside for the next project instalment. When the tide’s out anything could happen.

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